Vertically integrated. Horizontally ambitious. Diagonally unavoidable. We’ve been nourishing tomorrow since someone realized garnish could have a marketing budget.
GLOBAL HEADQUARTERS / SOMEWHERE IN YOUR SMOOTHIEFirst we convinced you a garnish was dinner. Then we convinced you dinner should cost nine dollars and arrive through a straw.
Today, Cruciferous Holdings International operates at the intersection of agriculture, aspiration and your mother’s forwarded articles.
We are not a cartel. A cartel would have worse branding.
Dr. Ashford holds seven patents on kale-adjacent technologies and was named ‘Most Influential Vegetable Person’ by a magazine she founded. She has a PhD in Cruciferous Sciences from a university she prefers not to name. Her TED Talk, ‘Why You’re Wrong About Lunch,’ has been viewed over 2 million times, mostly by her.
Has not eaten a non-kale vegetable since 2014
Marcus oversees our nationwide kale distribution network, ensuring every American grocery store dedicates a minimum of 15% of produce real estate to kale and kale accessories. Before joining Cruciferous Holdings, Marcus spent 12 years in logistics. He does not like to talk about the logistics years.
Can identify 47 varieties of kale by smell alone
Dr. Voss’s groundbreaking research has conclusively proven that kale is a vegetable, settling a decades-long debate. She is currently leading a 10-year study on whether kale has feelings (preliminary results: ‘probably’). Dr. Voss sleeps in her lab. We have asked her not to. She continues to do so.
Her office contains over 300 framed photos of kale
Bradley joined Cruciferous Holdings after a distinguished career in... let’s move on. He oversees all legal operations including our 24/7 social media monitoring program, our aggressive trademark enforcement division, and something he refers to only as ‘Project Chlorophyll.’ He has asked us to remove this bio. We have declined.
Has filed cease-and-desist letters to 14 TikTok creators this quarter
Diane monitors all social media platforms 24/7 for unauthorized opinions about kale. Her team of 200 Sentiment Analysts scours the internet to ensure the kale narrative remains ‘on-brand.’ She coined the phrase ‘Every negative kale comment is a cry for help’ and has it on a mug, a mousepad, and a tattoo.
Knows your IP address (probably)
A very serious disagreement. Excellent merchandise.