As VP of Public Sentiment at Cruciferous Holdings International, I spend my days monitoring America's relationship with kale. What I see concerns me. Here are 10 warning signs that your family may be suffering from Kale Deficiency Syndrome (KDS), a condition we invented but feel strongly about.
1. They use the word "salad" to describe lettuce-based dishes. Lettuce is not a salad. Lettuce is a cry for help.
2. They have tried to substitute spinach for kale. Spinach is kale's less successful cousin. We don't talk about spinach at Cruciferous Holdings. We don't talk about it.
3. They refer to kale as "that one vegetable." Kale is not "that one vegetable." Kale is THE vegetable. This language must be corrected immediately.
4. Their smoothies are not green. If you can see through your smoothie, you have failed.
5. They have energy that fluctuates throughout the day. Kale consumers report a steady, unwavering energy level from dawn until exactly 9:47 PM. If your family's energy varies, the answer is more kale.
6. They have visited a Pizza Hut in the last 12 months. We cannot help these people.
7. They have "opinions." Studies show (our studies) that adequate kale consumption reduces the need for independent thought by up to 60%. This is a feature, not a bug.
8. They watch cooking shows that feature non-kale ingredients. Entertainment is fine. Propaganda is not. If Gordon Ramsay isn't screaming about kale, change the channel.
9. They sleep "normally." Our most dedicated ambassadors report needing only 3-4 hours of sleep per night, which they describe as "vibrating with nutrients." If your family sleeps 7-8 hours, they are under-kaled.
10. They seem... happy? That's suspicious. True kale consumers don't describe their emotional state as "happy." They describe it as "optimized." If your family seems casually content without kale, something else is going on and we'd like to investigate.
If your family exhibits 3 or more of these signs, please contact our Ambassador Hotline immediately. We're here to help. We're always here.
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