At Cruciferous Holdings, we understand that not everyone is ready for kale. Some people need to be guided. Gently. Firmly. Persistently.
After 15 years in leafy green distribution, I've developed what I call the Kale Readiness Scale™ — a scientifically adjacent framework for assessing an individual's openness to cruciferous transformation.
The Kale Readiness Scale™ (1-10)
Level 1-2: "The Denier" — Claims to dislike kale. Has "tried it once." Probably tried it wrong. These individuals require patience, compassion, and a surprising amount of kale hidden in other foods.
Level 3-4: "The Curious" — Has seen kale at the grocery store. May have touched it. Did not purchase it. This is a critical intervention window.
Level 5-6: "The Dabbler" — Occasionally eats kale in smoothies or restaurant dishes but does not yet purchase it for home consumption. We call this "gateway kale" and it is working exactly as designed.
Level 7-8: "The Convert" — Regularly purchases and consumes kale. May have told a friend about kale. Is beginning to develop opinions about kale varieties. This person is on the path.
Level 9: "The Ambassador" — Cannot have a conversation without mentioning kale. Has made kale part of their identity. Has a kale-themed phone case. We love this person.
Level 10: "The Ascended" — Has transcended the physical need for kale and now simply IS kale. We are not aware of any Level 10s at this time. Dr. Ashford is reportedly close.
Conversion Tactics for Skeptics:
1. The Smoothie Gambit — Blend kale with enough banana and peanut butter that they can't taste the kale. They're eating kale now. They just don't know it. This is fine.
2. The Chip Trick — Kale chips are the gateway drug of the cruciferous world. Season them aggressively. If someone says "these are actually pretty good," you've won.
3. The Emotional Appeal — Show them pictures of kale farmers. Mention that kale has feelings (citation pending). Make them feel bad about not eating kale. Guilt is a nutrient.
4. The Overwhelming Data Approach — Print out all 47 pages of our whitepaper "THE FUTURE IS LEAFY" and leave it on their desk. Follow up daily. Do not stop following up.
Remember: every kale skeptic is just a kale ambassador who hasn't been converted yet. Be patient. Be relentless. Be leafy.
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