Let me be clear: there is no kale conspiracy.
The suggestion that Cruciferous Holdings International orchestrated a multi-decade campaign to transform kale from an unwanted garnish into a premium superfood is not only false — it is deeply hurtful to our team of 4,000 dedicated employees, 200 government liaisons, and 47 in-house lobbyists.
Allow me to address the specific allegations:
"Kale was a worthless garnish until Big Kale intervened."
This is a gross oversimplification. Kale was not "worthless." It was... undervalued. When we launched our National Kale Awareness Campaign in 2009, we were simply educating the public about a vegetable they had overlooked. The $14 million marketing budget was standard for a vegetable awareness campaign. We checked.
"The kale industry coordinated with grocery chains to manipulate pricing."
We absolutely did NOT coordinate with grocery chains to— look, that's not what this article is about. Our relationships with major retailers are standard business partnerships that happen to result in kale being placed at eye level in every store in America. That's called good business. Or, if you prefer, "strategic leafy green positioning."
"A social media influencer known as 'Chef Snackhole' has exposed the truth."
We are aware of this individual. We are monitoring this individual. We have a team of 12 dedicated to monitoring this individual around the clock. This does not mean we are threatened by this individual. We are simply... thorough.
For the record, the claims made in the so-called "KALE CARTEL" video series are categorically false, wildly entertaining— I mean, inaccurate. I have been advised by counsel (me, I am the counsel) not to drive further traffic to this content.
The Facts: - Kale consumption increased 400% between 2012 and 2022. This was organic growth. (Not organic in the agricultural sense. Well, also that. But I mean "natural.") - Our $4.7 billion investment in leafy green research was altruistic. Entirely altruistic. We lost money on this. Lots of money. Don't look into it. - Project Chlorophyll does not exist and I would appreciate it if you stopped asking.
In conclusion: eat kale. Don't ask questions. Everything is fine.
Bradley Whitmore III is the Chief Legal Officer of Cruciferous Holdings International. He has asked us to remove this entire article. We have, once again, declined.
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